Ok... What now?

Spring Arbor University.
I think I picked it because I got sick of trying to think about the big college decision. It was easiest, cheapest, most familiar... They have a decent education program and at the time I thought I wanted to be an elementary school teacher.
First few weeks of college were awesome. Orientation felt like summer camp. It didn't feel real. Then about week four, it sunk in that I was kind of in this for the long haul. We had to do this thing for our freshman class (that all freshmen are required to take) where we had to do a four year plan. Basically, that meant figuring out all of the classes and credits and certification and whatnot that would be required of me during college. After hours of frustration, going to my older sister for help, major confusion and not just a few shed tears, my four year plan turned into a five year plan and I may have had a little bit of a mental breakdown. 
It was overwhelming to look at it all it once, and it made me feel very trapped and stuck. If I chose this, I couldn't get out. I would have to teach. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. What was I thinking? I didn't want to be a teacher. I don't even like school! I think the system is horrible. Why would I want to be a part of it? All of my reasons for wanting to be a teacher really had more to do with me wanting to impact children's lives positively. And couldn't I do that without going through all of the junk you have to do to become a teacher? I thought that maybe if I wanted to commit to that it should feel a little more worth it to me.
As the year went on, it just got worse. It felt as if God was sucking things from underneath me, things that I used to stand on and rely on such as the solid group of friends I had at home that I had not yet found at SAU. I no longer had any idea of what I wanted to do in the future, creating a vacancy where I used to have a sense of sense of purpose. It felt like I was floating around in mid-air. I felt like I was all alone. Because of all this, I was fiercely driven to my knees. In some of my most despairing moments I felt the presence of God like I had never in my life known it. And His love was something real, burning inside of me. It was not something I just believed in, it was something I was actually experiencing.
The words of a Rich Mullins song come to mind as I try to describe this.
"Everything that could be shaken was shaken
and all that remains is all I ever really had."
Around Christmas Break I had been thinking a lot about the idea of taking a year or so off to just straight-up study the Bible. I had been taking Bible classes pretty much my whole life, but I wanted to immerse myself in the study of God's word. I figured since I didn't know what to do with my life anyway, I couldn't go wrong here.
And then I took Gospels and Acts during J-term. I experienced a little taste of what it was like to study just the Bible and no other subjects. That class was INTENSE. I do not say that lightly. I was in class 3 hours every morning, only to go straight to the library after lunch and spend an average of 9 hours working on homework. By the second week of class, I was breaking down and crying at least once a day. Mind you, it was awesome to be spending so much time thinking and learning about the life of Christ, but it was also very convicting and so challenging and so exhausting! It is probably impossible to be spending that much time in the Word with a genuine desire to know God better and not be changed by it.
Through that class I found out how extreme Jesus was. If we don't hate everything by comparison to how much we love Him, how can we follow Him? To whom much has been given, much is required. And what good is it if you gain the whole world, yet forfeit your soul? Again, I am going to speak in song (Jon Foreman this time)
"The Kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
let your kingdom come in my world and in my life;
The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure;
would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?"
I think that when you think about giving up your whole life to follow Jesus, it seems easy. But when it comes down to it, and He really might just be asking you to give up every other idea you have ever had for yourself and your life, it is a lot harder to trust Him. In all honesty, I didn't want to do it.  I remember praying, "God, I don't want to go somewhere else. I have had a hard enough time getting established here. I just want to be happy." I still had a whole list of things I was pursuing that I would have to abandon if I were to be really willing to follow God to any extreme.
Soon after j-term my sister gave me this book by Elizabeth Elliot about Amy Carmichael's life. At the front of the book it had this quote by this, the woman I had deemed my missionary hero,
"'Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.' How often I think of that ought. No sugary sentiment there. Just the stern, glorious trumpet call, OUGHT. But can words tell the joy buried deep within? Mine cannot. It laughs at words."
Um, that last sentence was enough for me. Something broke, and I understood that I was trying to control my own contentment by pursuing my idea of security in happiness instead of embracing the joy that comes with reckless abandonment. So I gave up a little.
"Wouldn't we be happy if we could find the full treasure described in the gospel? Nothing else would matter. It is infinite; the more we explore it, the more riches we will find. May we never stop searching until we have found all of it!"
-Brother Lawrence
So Bible school it was. I mean, why not? It got a little annoying when people heard about what I was planning on doing and asked questions like, "So what are you going to DO with that?" I would be like, "Uh, I don't know. Know God more so I can love God more so I can love people more?" I was finally getting it, that life isn't so much about what you do, but about who you are. And I wanted to be Christ's, through and through.  So I went! It was a little scary, stepping out in faith like that. But totally worth it.
What after that?
I don't think I was that concerned, because I knew how much God brutally loves me.
"Two things you told me
that you are strong,
and you love me.
Your love is strong."