Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Finally Given Up


My school year at Philadelphia Biblical University was marvelous. I was part of an extremely unique program in which we studied the Bible from Genesis to Revelation with an emphasis on Jewish culture and customs as well as the background of the Nation and land of Israel. It totally changed the way I read the word of God. I see it with a much bigger picture about God’s story of redemption for the world in mind. I could get way more into that, but it is not really the purpose of this blog.
Before I went home for Christmas break, 2009, I was faced again with the question of what I was going to do next. Should I stay at PBU? I loved it there. I went through a decision making process where I just researched all sorts of possibilities of where to go next and then asked God to lay on my heart the ones he wanted me to pursue. I ended up researching a trip to India, and talking to a few people about Grand Valley State University.
In order to save myself some time, I’m just going to insert another journal entry from around this time here that I wrote after riding home with my friend and roommate Anna. I spent some time with her family and then wrote this:
Tonight we went to visit the Davidhizer’s family dentist because he had been talking with Anna’s mom about his recent trip to an Indian brothel to work on prostitutes’ teeth. This was a little bit “coincidental” because I had just been praying about my future a few days ago at the Soak in the LORD worship night at school and God had brought up India AGAIN. He laid it heavy on my heart, too much to ignore it. When I was looking up stuff to do this Summer and somehow ran into all of this information about India I asked God to do what He had done with PBU and just not let it leave me if it was what He wanted. I don’t want this to come from some crazy idea of my own or some off-the-wall desire for adventure and excitement. To put it plainly, it hasn’t left me yet although I am not certain on how this whole thing is going to work out yet.
It is wicked sweet how God used this man to push me a little bit in the right direction. It is mind-blowing how God works. I am seeing how very much I am just a part of the whole and tonight I got a small glimpse at how even the most seemingly insignificant circumstances lead to something far bigger than we can imagine. I didn’t know that the Davidhizer’s were going to visit this man tonight. They didn’t have a clue that I wanted to go to India. I wouldn’t have even known Anna if it weren’t for Jeremy’s car breaking down that one time. I almost didn’t come with Anna to her house. I could have asked her to drop me off at home. But I didn’t—and tonight was enlightening in a lot of ways.
So I was entirely encouraged by this man’s sense of my heart to go to India someday. He really wanted me to share my reasons for desiring to go and he seemed pretty confident that God will open and close the right doors for me. It was just a really neat night because so much of what he said made so much sense to me. It was like a stream of continual confirmations and reminders of things that God has been teaching me. Like about how to be brave. If God asks us to do something, we better be obedient and though He is not safe, He is good. Even while reading the Irresistible Revolution, the chapter I read was on not being safe. I know this kind of life is going to lead me into danger. The whole time he was talking and telling stories of the incredible ways that God is moving in the red-light district of the city he was in, I couldn’t help but think that I must go. I absolutely cannot live here with all that I have been given and see how much need there is in the world and be okay with that. God has entirely ruined my life. There is no way that I could live a “normal” life now. He is disturbing me and disrupting me to the very core.
Something came to me that was a little bit new—not just a reminder or confirmation. I have come to the conclusion that I want some sort of venue to be in a different country before I just go over there and try to share the gospel. Also, I want to be of some practical use. I want to be able to help people in real ways with physical needs as well as show them the truth spiritually. Mike (the guy who went to India) suggested I consider becoming an ESL teacher. I hadn’t given that much thought, but I will pray about this as well.  
I think for so long I have settled for a shallow Christianity. I have encountered so many Christians (and myself have been included in on this) that think we can be content with just adding God to our lives. I am realizing that being a saint means much more than that. He becomes our whole life. A relationship with God is way more exciting if we just give up our own ideas on how to live and let Him move. We must stop trying to fit God into our lives, because He will not be handled. It is He who must do the handling, and when He does, He screws up everything we thought we had planned. I will not settle any longer for a shallow existence, but allow Christ to take me deeper and deeper still. It is a very exciting adventure, and so important I would die for it. For what is dying but to really live?
“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

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