It feels good to be RUNNING in the grace of God.
There are a lot of places I could be and things that I could be doing this summer, but I can't imagine my heart being any more settled than it is right now, knowing I will be in Goa soon.
It's a weird sort of peace because there is so much I have to step out in faith about. I would think that with all of the uncertainties and all of the unknowns I am facing it would make me feel the opposite. But I think that since this was God's idea and His work of getting me this far, I would feel much more uneasy if I had chosen something on my own to do this summer.
I keep thinking about how life is so short and we only have one chance to live, really. What are we waiting around for? For our hearts to change themselves so we will feel more ready? For passions to be concocted out of nothing instead of being chased after and developed? For the "right opportunity" when everything looks smart and feels safe? I think we deaden our own faith because we steer clear of all the places where we need any faith at all.
Jesus is ALIVE and He's moving. He told us to love the least of these like we love Him. I'm taking Him seriously.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"
The past few weeks have been pretty crazy with ending the semester, moving out of the dorm, and preparing to live at home for a month before going off to India!
The semester ended April 29th, but before I went back to little ol' Adrian, I spent a week with the GVSU chapter of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship at Cedar Campus up north at a retreat like event called Chapter Focus Week. I was so excited to be done with all school and homework for the summer and spend ample time just listening to God. And call me crazy, but I felt as if He was also gladly anticipating getting me all to Himself.
Someone once told me that God rarely works in the way we expect Him to. She said that if He did, Christianity would be just like a happy game, and we're not making this up.
I think what I kind of expected from CFW was to be able to listen to God's voice very intently. I thought He would reassure me about how much He wanted me in India. I thought He would bless me with His presence and start preparing me bigtime for the things that I will face this summer. I thought He would just wrap me up in His love and let it be a week of relaxation and joy.
I was wrong.
Well, sort of.
From the very first time I was alone with God in the wilderness on Sunday and throughout the rest of the week God continually showed me the true conditions of my heart. I'm not afraid to admit anymore, that it was not pretty. There is so much that needs to be done inside of me. God showed me people I need to ask forgiveness of, deep wounds that still needed to be healed inside my heart, and bitterness that had built up because of those things. He taught me that I am not above having to repent. Just because I have truly been seeking Him for a very long time doesn't mean that I don't still struggle. And struggle I did! I struggled all week long, but the victory is in Christ, for He was cleaning me out.
God wants clean vessels. It was hard work, being obedient to God and forsaking all other desires last week. It's still hard work. It is so difficult to admit how prideful I am and how much I still try to use God as a means to prove myself. I had so many conversations that I KNOW were divinely appointed with brothers and sisters where I was able to be held accountable and encouraged and understood. The kind of honesty I was able to have broke me in the best way possible. God knew exactly how He wanted to use that week to prepare me. And though it hurt a lot, I know He dug those things up in me because He loves me. I've had to face up to a lot since then, and it's not over yet. But this is part of getting ready.
God also used people after CFW to give me great reassurance through prayer and encouragement. The GVSU Intervarsity Students all gathered around me and two other people in our chapter to send us out this summer. Their prayers were so much appreciated. It was as if God spent the whole week emptying me out, and then used their prayers to fill me up. Then on Sunday, Crossroads Bible Church, the body of believers I worship with in Grand Rapids, gathered around me in what they call the "prayer pit" and laid hands on me and prayed. It was SO encouraging to know they are behind me and will be all summer. I had so many people that I had never even talked to before affirm what God has been telling me after the service. One man even said "I feel like I am sending my little sister to go preach in a strip club or something! Take care and let Christ be your strength." Several people even cried as they prayed. I was so so blessed by those believers.
And now, as I get all the last details together (I got my visa and travelers insurance today! Woohoo!), I still feel as if God is working just as hard to prepare me from within.
The hardest part now, I think, is leaving behind people here. My older brother and his wife are about to have a baby and I will miss out on the first two months of his/her life. I won't be near my parents or other siblings all summer. I had to leave my roommate whom I have spent probably more time than with anybody who is outside of my family in my entire life for four months. I said goodbye to GVSU friends already and soon will be doing the same for my beloved ones here. I will be forsaking opportunities that I might have had to visit close friends from the East Side of the US this summer. I won't be with the kids that I worked with for the past three summers. But along with leaving this behind, I am going to be able to embrace being part of a team of amazing women with the same passion for showing Christ to the women of India that I have. I will be experiencing things I never have before, and knowing God in a new way. I will be right on the battlefront. I will be loving people like I never have before. And thought I can't have expectations as to how, I know that God will work. I fully trust God with everyone here and with me there.
The semester ended April 29th, but before I went back to little ol' Adrian, I spent a week with the GVSU chapter of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship at Cedar Campus up north at a retreat like event called Chapter Focus Week. I was so excited to be done with all school and homework for the summer and spend ample time just listening to God. And call me crazy, but I felt as if He was also gladly anticipating getting me all to Himself.
Someone once told me that God rarely works in the way we expect Him to. She said that if He did, Christianity would be just like a happy game, and we're not making this up.
I think what I kind of expected from CFW was to be able to listen to God's voice very intently. I thought He would reassure me about how much He wanted me in India. I thought He would bless me with His presence and start preparing me bigtime for the things that I will face this summer. I thought He would just wrap me up in His love and let it be a week of relaxation and joy.
I was wrong.
Well, sort of.
From the very first time I was alone with God in the wilderness on Sunday and throughout the rest of the week God continually showed me the true conditions of my heart. I'm not afraid to admit anymore, that it was not pretty. There is so much that needs to be done inside of me. God showed me people I need to ask forgiveness of, deep wounds that still needed to be healed inside my heart, and bitterness that had built up because of those things. He taught me that I am not above having to repent. Just because I have truly been seeking Him for a very long time doesn't mean that I don't still struggle. And struggle I did! I struggled all week long, but the victory is in Christ, for He was cleaning me out.
God wants clean vessels. It was hard work, being obedient to God and forsaking all other desires last week. It's still hard work. It is so difficult to admit how prideful I am and how much I still try to use God as a means to prove myself. I had so many conversations that I KNOW were divinely appointed with brothers and sisters where I was able to be held accountable and encouraged and understood. The kind of honesty I was able to have broke me in the best way possible. God knew exactly how He wanted to use that week to prepare me. And though it hurt a lot, I know He dug those things up in me because He loves me. I've had to face up to a lot since then, and it's not over yet. But this is part of getting ready.
God also used people after CFW to give me great reassurance through prayer and encouragement. The GVSU Intervarsity Students all gathered around me and two other people in our chapter to send us out this summer. Their prayers were so much appreciated. It was as if God spent the whole week emptying me out, and then used their prayers to fill me up. Then on Sunday, Crossroads Bible Church, the body of believers I worship with in Grand Rapids, gathered around me in what they call the "prayer pit" and laid hands on me and prayed. It was SO encouraging to know they are behind me and will be all summer. I had so many people that I had never even talked to before affirm what God has been telling me after the service. One man even said "I feel like I am sending my little sister to go preach in a strip club or something! Take care and let Christ be your strength." Several people even cried as they prayed. I was so so blessed by those believers.
And now, as I get all the last details together (I got my visa and travelers insurance today! Woohoo!), I still feel as if God is working just as hard to prepare me from within.
The hardest part now, I think, is leaving behind people here. My older brother and his wife are about to have a baby and I will miss out on the first two months of his/her life. I won't be near my parents or other siblings all summer. I had to leave my roommate whom I have spent probably more time than with anybody who is outside of my family in my entire life for four months. I said goodbye to GVSU friends already and soon will be doing the same for my beloved ones here. I will be forsaking opportunities that I might have had to visit close friends from the East Side of the US this summer. I won't be with the kids that I worked with for the past three summers. But along with leaving this behind, I am going to be able to embrace being part of a team of amazing women with the same passion for showing Christ to the women of India that I have. I will be experiencing things I never have before, and knowing God in a new way. I will be right on the battlefront. I will be loving people like I never have before. And thought I can't have expectations as to how, I know that God will work. I fully trust God with everyone here and with me there.
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