Bananas for Breakfast

After a three hour bus ride from training camp to the airport in Georgia, a small layover in Newark, NJ, a fifteen hour flight from the states to Mumbai, a twelve-hour layover at the airport there, and one more short airplaine ride, we finally made it to Goa. Our first day I hardly remember anything. The jetlag had some of us (including myself) sleeping upright on the bus... and if you know anything about bus rides in India, this is no simple feat. Most of the time they jam as many people as could possibly fit, WAY beyond the comfort level we are used to, and they BLAST Hindi music. It is a bumpy, sticky, sweaty, twisty-turny adventure, every single time!
But everything here is taking a little bit of getting used to. The food is spicy, the smells are strange, and the language makes things really fun to try to figure out. Yesterday, when I was much more awake, we had our first day of ministry in the slums helping teach school and a health class for women. We also spent time doing house visits. The women were so excited to invite us into their homes. I tried to put myself in their position, lving in conditions like that, and I could honestly not even imagine it. There were rats in the ceiling (GIANT rats), dirt floors, ten people living in one room, and everything was dark and smelly. But the women are not dispirited by any means.
My favorite part of the day was when we did Mahandi (or Henna) with the women in our little classroom. Preyma, the woman who did the mahandi for me was extremely nervous because, even though she was thirty, she had never done it before. Some of the girls were very skilled and quick, and she was afraid she would mess up. After much encouragement from me, she began to try. Her hand was shaking and I could tell it was difficult for her. But she got better as she kept going, and by the end, both my hands were beauitufully decorated with this ancient Indian art. I told her, "acha hai!" which means, "good!" and is one of the only words I know in Hindi and I could tell she was pleased.
Later, during the health class, she had her two children with her. She made me show my hands to them and I gladly did. She was so proud! I loved being a part of empowering her to do something she thought she was incapable of, and seeing her so joyful showing it off.
Today is only our third day in Goa, so I know many more stories are to come! I'll keep you posted :)

From Training Camp

I wrote this from training camp and thought I would paste it here...
Preparation and Anticipation
I am so excited to be in India. I feel like I've been waiting so long already, so at first, training camp seemed like it would be a drag. To be honest, it would be really easy to allow myself to be anxious to just get this ovetrwith and get out of here. But already being exposed to what it might be like on the field, I have felt a little overwhelmed. I fell like I'm tumbling down a hill and can't stop myself. God is using this time to prepare me in ways I didn't even know I needed to be preapared.
Getting to know the girls on my team has been pretty fun. It usually isn't easy for me to find how I fit within a group. It just takes time and mutual experiences shared in order for me to feel like I can be myself and be known as who I am. Already within our team, walls have been coming down. We have been able to be honest with each-other and I would say we are off to a great start :)
I still have a few worries about details of travel, luggage, health, safety, and some stuff that still needs to be taken care of, but the attitudes of staff here are reassuring and comforting. All is well, and we set off tomorrow!
June 6th, 2011

Love is the movement! Dare you to move...

It feels good to be RUNNING in the grace of God.
There are a lot of places I could be and things that I could be doing this summer, but I can't imagine my heart being any more settled than it is right now, knowing I will be in Goa soon.
It's a weird sort of peace because there is so much I have to step out in faith about. I would think that with all of the uncertainties and all of the unknowns I am facing it would make me feel the opposite. But I think that since this was God's idea and His work of getting me this far, I would feel much more uneasy if I had chosen something on my own to do this summer.
I keep thinking about how life is so short and we only have one chance to live, really. What are we waiting around for? For our hearts to change themselves so we will feel more ready? For passions to be concocted out of nothing instead of being chased after and developed? For the "right opportunity" when everything looks smart and feels safe? I think we deaden our own faith because we steer clear of all the places where we need any faith at all.
Jesus is ALIVE and He's moving. He told us to love the least of these like we love Him. I'm taking Him seriously.

"I know my call despite my faults and despite my growing fears"

The past few weeks have been pretty crazy with ending the semester, moving out of the dorm, and preparing to live at home for a month before going off to India!
The semester ended April 29th, but before I went back to little ol' Adrian, I spent a week with the GVSU chapter of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship at Cedar Campus up north at a retreat like event called Chapter Focus Week. I was so excited to be done with all school and homework for the summer and spend ample time just listening to God. And call me crazy, but I felt as if He was also gladly anticipating getting me all to Himself.
Someone once told me that God rarely works in the way we expect Him to. She said that if He did, Christianity would be just like a happy game, and we're not making this up.
I think what I kind of expected from CFW was to be able to listen to God's voice very intently. I thought He would reassure me about how much He wanted me in India. I thought He would bless me with His presence and start preparing me bigtime for the things that I will face this summer. I thought He would just wrap me up in His love and let it be a week of relaxation and joy.
I was wrong.
Well, sort of.
From the very first time I was alone with God in the wilderness on Sunday and throughout the rest of the week God continually showed me the true conditions of my heart. I'm not afraid to admit anymore, that it was not pretty. There is so much that needs to be done inside of me. God showed me people I need to ask forgiveness of, deep wounds that still needed to be healed inside my heart, and bitterness that had built up because of those things. He taught me that I am not above having to repent. Just because I have truly been seeking Him for a very long time doesn't mean that I don't still struggle. And struggle I did! I struggled all week long, but the victory is in Christ, for He was cleaning me out.

God wants clean vessels. It was hard work, being obedient to God and forsaking all other desires last week. It's still hard work. It is so difficult to admit how prideful I am and how much I still try to use God as a means to prove myself. I had so many conversations that I KNOW were divinely appointed with brothers and sisters where I was able to be held accountable and encouraged and understood. The kind of honesty I was able to have broke me in the best way possible. God knew exactly how He wanted to use that week to prepare me. And though it hurt a lot, I know He dug those things up in me because He loves me. I've had to face up to a lot since then, and it's not over yet. But this is part of getting ready.
God also used people after CFW to give me great reassurance through prayer and encouragement. The GVSU Intervarsity Students all gathered around me and two other people in our chapter to send us out this summer. Their prayers were so much appreciated. It was as if God spent the whole week emptying me out, and then used their prayers to fill me up. Then on Sunday, Crossroads Bible Church, the body of believers I worship with in Grand Rapids, gathered around me in what they call the "prayer pit" and laid hands on me and prayed. It was SO encouraging to know they are behind me and will be all summer. I had so many people that I had never even talked to before affirm what God has been telling me after the service. One man even said "I feel like I am sending my little sister to go preach in a strip club or something! Take care and let Christ be your strength." Several people even cried as they prayed. I was so so blessed by those believers.
And now, as I get all the last details together (I got my visa and travelers insurance today! Woohoo!), I still feel as if God is working just as hard to prepare me from within.
The hardest part now, I think, is leaving behind people here. My older brother and his wife are about to have a baby and I will miss out on the first two months of his/her life. I won't be near my parents or other siblings all summer. I had to leave my roommate whom I have spent probably more time than with anybody who is outside of my family in my entire life for four months. I said goodbye to GVSU friends already and soon will be doing the same for my beloved ones here. I will be forsaking opportunities that I might have had to visit close friends from the East Side of the US this summer. I won't be with the kids that I worked with for the past three summers. But along with leaving this behind, I am going to be able to embrace being part of a team of amazing women with the same passion for showing Christ to the women of India that I have. I will be experiencing things I never have before, and knowing God in a new way. I will be right on the battlefront. I will be loving people like I never have before. And thought I can't have expectations as to how, I know that God will work. I fully trust God with everyone here and with me there.

Lord, Increase My Faith

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Phil. 4:6



Oh Lord, increase my faith.

I have a giant list of things to get done before I go to India, things I have been putting off because of the other more immediate things I have had to concentrate on this semester. But now that I am officially done with my last exam tomorrow, I am remembering this list, and feel a little like I'm drowning.

I am waiting for my visa to come through.
I have yet to get travel insurance.
I still need to get shots and vaccinated.
I need a plane ticket to Georgia (where our team is flying out from).
I need to buy things on my packing list and pack.
And I still have to somehow raise about $2400.

I had a little mental breakdown. I feel scared, legitimately scared that I won't get it together in time. At the end of this week I will be going with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship on a week-long retreat focusing on ministry next semester. After that I have essentially two weeks to do everything on that list and more. I'm freaking out inside. I don't know if it is possible! I start to wonder... doubts are creeping in. What if God doesn't want me there after all? What if He is just going to teach me a very hard lesson about not being efficient enough in getting these things done earlier?

I had to go running. As I heaved clean spring air in and out of my lungs, my mind cleared a little. The sky was a dark blue, but it looked soft. And there were these big billowing clouds that looked like mountains on the horizon.
I felt like crying. What if? What if this is all for naught?
And then I heard it. Underneath the panic and disquietude of my soul, a blessed assurance.
I'll get you there baby.
Hold on to me, child.  

But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?

            In all honesty, I was not planning on going to India this coming summer. I had all sorts of plans to get a paid internship in a big city (preferably Chicago or Boston) and take classes online so that I could work on academically getting back on track in order to graduate some time in this century as well as make some much required money. I found myself explaining this to a representative from Adventures in Missions (the organization I had applied to and turned down a trip to India due to wedding-ness) who called me sometime in September. She wanted to know if I was interested in re-applying for the next summer. I told her I had been making other plans. She asked what had interested me in the trip to begin with, and I shared with her a little bit about how God had been leading me towards using my resources to reach those trapped in forced sex-work. I also briefly explained traffic light.

            I think I really confused her as to why I didn’t want to go to India. “I understand that you want to be smart about school,” (it’s true, I had spent the entire week before this phone call counting credits and trying to fit enough classes in so that I would graduate as soon as possible,) “but just think about the kind of impact a trip like this would have on your life. You would be able to experience first-hand what these brothels you have researched look like. You would have names, faces, and stories to put with something that used to just be a statistic and a number. You would be able to personally show the love of God to those He has broken your heart for. And then you could come back and share it with everybody through traffic light.” I was a little taken aback by her boldness, but I couldn’t help thinking she had some really good points. She prayed for me before we hung up. I did not feel pressure from her to make the decision either way. She just prayed that God would open up my eyes to what is really important to Him and that He would lead me where I would be most useful in building His kingdom.

            I was still pretty resistant to the idea. I would have to raise so much money in order to be able to go on this trip, and I wanted to be able to MAKE money, not lose it in the summer. But once again, God’s idea was a little different than my own.

            The very next day I went with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship on their fall retreat. I was having a great time getting to know the other students in the chapter, but the decision about the summer and India weighed on my mind. That night I probably had one of the worst night’s sleep of my life. I had only brought one blanket and a pillow, and I slept on a hard, cold, cement floor. It was freezing, and I could not get comfortable no matter how much I tried. I put on all my shirts and my sweatshirt on top of that, and the other clothes that I brought I unpacked and tried to put them underneath me as a makeshift mattress. I fell into a fitful sleep in which I had a brief but memorable dream.

            In the dream there was a room full of orphans. I have no idea how I knew this or where we were, but that’s irrelevant. There was one boy I approached. He looked up at me, so sad. His hand was twisted and his knuckles all crunched up and he was in constant pain. I asked him what happened and he told me, “This is how it has always been.” As he spoke I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I looked down, and my hand was twisted and warped just like his. I tried to move it and I couldn’t because it hurt so bad. In my dream I grabbed the boy’s broken hand with the one I had that worked and I began to pray to God for healing. I prayed for a long time. As I prayed the boy’s hand began to function again and as his hand healed, mine did too.

            I didn’t have much time to think about the dream until later that day when we were given time to go off by ourselves in order to simply listen to God. I’m going to share excerpts from my prayer journal here:

I want to get out everything—every thought—that is filling me up right now. Then I want to prepare myself to listen to You. Then I want to read your word. Speak whatever you wish and whatever you mean to communicate with me God, let me understand. I’m not looking for any answers or any mystical revelations. I’m only looking for You. I just want to be where You are.

I don’t always feel like I need you, but I always do. What is this life, what does anything I do in this life amount to if You are not in it? I think you have been trying to communicate a little with me these past few days. I am sure you really want me to listen hard. I am driven to you because I need direction. I want to be all yours. I get the feeling you want me to stay in school. But yesterday as I was looking over my psychopathology notes and stressing out about upcoming quizzes when I distinctly was stopped by a clear-cut idea louder than my thoughts suggesting, “I didn’t bring you here to do that.” WHAT? Then what the heck am I doing? I told you I would stay in school if there was a purpose for it—some specific academic goal for me to achieve. And how you’re saying my degree isn’t even what matters?

But if I think about it enough it makes sense. If I die today it doesn’t matter how many credits I have stored up. When I stand before You, You are not going to say, “I’m so disappointed by your GPA.” It’s my relationship with You and other people that counts. So if studying and stressing out about classes begins to negatively affect either of those two things I need to seriously re-evaluate my priorities. You’ve got me just where you want me to be, and though the reason is surely more complex than just completing a degree. You are more concerned where my heart is at.

But where is my heart at? I still struggle with sinful conditions of my heart and mind. Rid me of this humanistic mindset that I can achieve anything by using You as a means. No, I am your means to an end. It is I that must be used. And let me accept that to be used will be in any way that You see fit—even if it is totally different than what I had in mind and doesn’t even make sense to me sometimes.

God lately I have been getting this feeling like I know where you’re drawing me to. You have heard the cries of the destitute in the sex trafficking industry. You are familiar with their screams for help. You want to use me to heal them. You want me to be the answer to their prayer. God, that entails so much. It means I have to give up a lot and work really hard and go through a lot of pain that I could easily avoid. But I believe it is worth it. For you—for Your glory—for Your name’s sake. I want to be after Your heart. I already know a little of what your heart looks like. You want justice for the oppressed, freedom for the enslaved, healing for the broken, strength and empowerment for the weak, new life for the dying, hope for the hopeless, courage and confidence for the terrified, rescue for the trapped, and love for the unloved. Father, I recognize how much you have given with me and how the only way I can keep Your blessing is to pour it right back out.

I wanted to go to Chicago this summer so that I could have an income and I could do school and I could have time to do what I wanted for once. But then that India phone call happened and now what? India would be harder. India would require sacrifice. India would cost. But really, what would be more rewarding?

Maybe this is another one of those points where I must choose between the walk of faith or the walk of sight. If I do this, I want it to truly be from You. I keep asking myself—am I really willing to give up everything that will be required of me if I am to follow you so truly? I’ll have to depend on You so severely for finances. I probably won’t be able to fall in love or plan on starting a family. Sometimes I don’t want to do it God. I don’t want to go—but at the same time it’s all I want. You’re everything.

Sometimes I wish I could just shake it off and focus on living a shamelessly secure life. But I had this dream about a boy whose hand was broken and mine became broken when I encountered him, then you healed us together. Maybe that is part of what it means to say, “you will be my burden”—to take on the pain of others with them until you heal us both. That is part of my gift. Of compassion. I cannot ignore those hurting like that, because my hand gets all twisted too.

But God, You are ALL POWERFUL. And I have the feeling you are going to take everything from me. I have to be humbly and completely dependant on your power if I want to experience anything real at all. You’ve got this God—It’s all on you.

God, but why choose me? What the heck do I even have to offer? I feel like Moses. Here you are saying, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people… I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them… So now, go. I am sending you to bring my people out.” And I, like Moses, say to you-

“Who am I, that I should go to bring your people out?” And you, you look at me in unmerritted love and say, “You’re no one, child. That’s why you need me. And I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: You will worship God on this mountain.” And it’s funny because that is saying I don’t even get to know how real this is until it’s all over. I have to step out in complete faith because the sign is dependent upon the action.

“Moses said to the LORD, ‘O LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.’

The LORD said to Him, ‘Who gave men his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say.’”

[verse references from Exodus 3]

Don’t you think I know your short-comings? I made you, remember? But I am enough. Believe me, I am enough. If you don’t believe you can do it, you are right. If you don’t believe that I can do it, you are wrong. You are absolutely wrong. But I can’t prove you wrong until you go. And then we will dance and sing on this mountain together because I have freed the slaves and given sight to the blind and healed the twisted hands.

God, it takes so much to trust and an awful lot of action. But I’m so willing. The things I want to keep—like being able to be with my family or having a family of my own—those things are yours. I hate them in comparison to you. I want to continue to be open to you speaking to me. Speak life. Change my heart. I’m not dead. I’m so alive.

And after that conversation with God, I was willing. I ended up going with Adventures in Missions instead because the trip they offered was focused on just one location and I would be working with a team my age. God has not stopped preparing me, and it is still just as hard to trust Him enough to step out in faith, but I know for sure this is what He wants.

Doing What we Can

I did not end up going to India that coming summer on the trip that I applied to, mostly due to the fact that my best friend Chrissy as well as my older sister Sarah had both asked me to be the maid of honor in each of their respective weddings. Being a part of those celebrations was definitely not something I wanted to miss out on. I was not sure when or how, but I was confident I would wind up at least visiting India someday.

One day after a class I was taking at a community college I got a text-message from my childhood friend and soon-to-be roommate Alison Johnson. We had not talked extensively in quite some time so without knowing even knowing the place I was at in life, she asked me if I wanted to be a part of a student organization on Grand Valley’s campus the coming year that she and another friend were starting. What was it all about? Alison had volunteered during the summer at an organization called Women At Risk International that serves to rescue and rehabilitate mainly women who have been trafficked into forced labor situations. She was inspired to start this group to shine light into dark places by spreading awareness of human trafficking to other college students and bring hope to the oppressed. The name of the organization was ‘traffic light.’ I was so excited to be a part of this that I called her back immediately.

Alison and I at our table promoting 'traffic light'

Being a part of traffic light has been challenging in more ways than one. It has been difficult to keep up with administrative stuff (which I find I am definitely not gifted in.) Also, being a part of it doesn’t allow me to take my eyes away and simply ignore the injustice being done to human beings all over the world. Like Gary Haugen points out in his book Good News About Injustice, our minds very easily work like that of infants who have not yet developed object permanence when it comes to maintaining an interest in the reality of injustice in the world. If it is out of sight, it is out of mind. From all the conferences and events attended, all the research I’ve done of the topic, and all the personal stories I have heard, it isn’t something that feels far away and unreal anymore. Sometimes it is so near that I can almost actually hear the voices of those oppressed crying out.

Something I have to be really careful if is being overcome by despair. If I don’t come at it with the hope of Christ, I am overwhelmed and discouraged to the point of immobilization. I have to constantly remember that He holds the universe, that everything can be redeemed, and though this whole world is groaning, we were made to be healed for His glory. I have been working on developing what Gary Haugen deemed compassion permanence, or “conviction of the things unseen.” It is not unlike the plea of Hebrews 13:3 to “continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.”  It is burdensome to continually open my eyes to the hurting world, but no matter how big the burden, the hope of the joy and deliverance that Christ brings is much stronger. The key to the balance is to ask to see the world as God sees it, through His eyes.

I have been asked more than once what the point of trying is. “This is the world’s oldest profession. Do you really think you will be able to stop it?” I think it is exactly this kind of attitude that allows us to sit back and do nothing. One of the most encouraging words I have heard this year so far was from a trafficking victim named James Kofi Annan who was abducted, tricked, and sold into the fishing industry in a remote part of Ghana. He suffered physical and sexual abuse with trauma that still affects him. He was starved, beaten, raped, dragged, whipped, and forced to work from daybreak until dusk no matter what. But through it all, he managed to escape the cycle. He started an organization rescuing one child at a time that offers them education and an alternative life. One student attending the conference he spoke at stood up at the end and posed a question. She said it has been tried so many times to eradicate slavery and yet it still exists. “Do you really think we could end it for good?” His answer was strong. “Absolutely. We just need enough people to know it is possible.” To hear such a positive outlook from someone who had personally experienced slavery himself motivates me in times when my outlook is bleak. 

You can read his blog here, if you want:

http://ftsblog.net/tag/james-kofi-annan/

It’s not about what we can’t do. It’s about doing what we can.