But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?

            In all honesty, I was not planning on going to India this coming summer. I had all sorts of plans to get a paid internship in a big city (preferably Chicago or Boston) and take classes online so that I could work on academically getting back on track in order to graduate some time in this century as well as make some much required money. I found myself explaining this to a representative from Adventures in Missions (the organization I had applied to and turned down a trip to India due to wedding-ness) who called me sometime in September. She wanted to know if I was interested in re-applying for the next summer. I told her I had been making other plans. She asked what had interested me in the trip to begin with, and I shared with her a little bit about how God had been leading me towards using my resources to reach those trapped in forced sex-work. I also briefly explained traffic light.

            I think I really confused her as to why I didn’t want to go to India. “I understand that you want to be smart about school,” (it’s true, I had spent the entire week before this phone call counting credits and trying to fit enough classes in so that I would graduate as soon as possible,) “but just think about the kind of impact a trip like this would have on your life. You would be able to experience first-hand what these brothels you have researched look like. You would have names, faces, and stories to put with something that used to just be a statistic and a number. You would be able to personally show the love of God to those He has broken your heart for. And then you could come back and share it with everybody through traffic light.” I was a little taken aback by her boldness, but I couldn’t help thinking she had some really good points. She prayed for me before we hung up. I did not feel pressure from her to make the decision either way. She just prayed that God would open up my eyes to what is really important to Him and that He would lead me where I would be most useful in building His kingdom.

            I was still pretty resistant to the idea. I would have to raise so much money in order to be able to go on this trip, and I wanted to be able to MAKE money, not lose it in the summer. But once again, God’s idea was a little different than my own.

            The very next day I went with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship on their fall retreat. I was having a great time getting to know the other students in the chapter, but the decision about the summer and India weighed on my mind. That night I probably had one of the worst night’s sleep of my life. I had only brought one blanket and a pillow, and I slept on a hard, cold, cement floor. It was freezing, and I could not get comfortable no matter how much I tried. I put on all my shirts and my sweatshirt on top of that, and the other clothes that I brought I unpacked and tried to put them underneath me as a makeshift mattress. I fell into a fitful sleep in which I had a brief but memorable dream.

            In the dream there was a room full of orphans. I have no idea how I knew this or where we were, but that’s irrelevant. There was one boy I approached. He looked up at me, so sad. His hand was twisted and his knuckles all crunched up and he was in constant pain. I asked him what happened and he told me, “This is how it has always been.” As he spoke I felt a sharp pain in my hand. I looked down, and my hand was twisted and warped just like his. I tried to move it and I couldn’t because it hurt so bad. In my dream I grabbed the boy’s broken hand with the one I had that worked and I began to pray to God for healing. I prayed for a long time. As I prayed the boy’s hand began to function again and as his hand healed, mine did too.

            I didn’t have much time to think about the dream until later that day when we were given time to go off by ourselves in order to simply listen to God. I’m going to share excerpts from my prayer journal here:

I want to get out everything—every thought—that is filling me up right now. Then I want to prepare myself to listen to You. Then I want to read your word. Speak whatever you wish and whatever you mean to communicate with me God, let me understand. I’m not looking for any answers or any mystical revelations. I’m only looking for You. I just want to be where You are.

I don’t always feel like I need you, but I always do. What is this life, what does anything I do in this life amount to if You are not in it? I think you have been trying to communicate a little with me these past few days. I am sure you really want me to listen hard. I am driven to you because I need direction. I want to be all yours. I get the feeling you want me to stay in school. But yesterday as I was looking over my psychopathology notes and stressing out about upcoming quizzes when I distinctly was stopped by a clear-cut idea louder than my thoughts suggesting, “I didn’t bring you here to do that.” WHAT? Then what the heck am I doing? I told you I would stay in school if there was a purpose for it—some specific academic goal for me to achieve. And how you’re saying my degree isn’t even what matters?

But if I think about it enough it makes sense. If I die today it doesn’t matter how many credits I have stored up. When I stand before You, You are not going to say, “I’m so disappointed by your GPA.” It’s my relationship with You and other people that counts. So if studying and stressing out about classes begins to negatively affect either of those two things I need to seriously re-evaluate my priorities. You’ve got me just where you want me to be, and though the reason is surely more complex than just completing a degree. You are more concerned where my heart is at.

But where is my heart at? I still struggle with sinful conditions of my heart and mind. Rid me of this humanistic mindset that I can achieve anything by using You as a means. No, I am your means to an end. It is I that must be used. And let me accept that to be used will be in any way that You see fit—even if it is totally different than what I had in mind and doesn’t even make sense to me sometimes.

God lately I have been getting this feeling like I know where you’re drawing me to. You have heard the cries of the destitute in the sex trafficking industry. You are familiar with their screams for help. You want to use me to heal them. You want me to be the answer to their prayer. God, that entails so much. It means I have to give up a lot and work really hard and go through a lot of pain that I could easily avoid. But I believe it is worth it. For you—for Your glory—for Your name’s sake. I want to be after Your heart. I already know a little of what your heart looks like. You want justice for the oppressed, freedom for the enslaved, healing for the broken, strength and empowerment for the weak, new life for the dying, hope for the hopeless, courage and confidence for the terrified, rescue for the trapped, and love for the unloved. Father, I recognize how much you have given with me and how the only way I can keep Your blessing is to pour it right back out.

I wanted to go to Chicago this summer so that I could have an income and I could do school and I could have time to do what I wanted for once. But then that India phone call happened and now what? India would be harder. India would require sacrifice. India would cost. But really, what would be more rewarding?

Maybe this is another one of those points where I must choose between the walk of faith or the walk of sight. If I do this, I want it to truly be from You. I keep asking myself—am I really willing to give up everything that will be required of me if I am to follow you so truly? I’ll have to depend on You so severely for finances. I probably won’t be able to fall in love or plan on starting a family. Sometimes I don’t want to do it God. I don’t want to go—but at the same time it’s all I want. You’re everything.

Sometimes I wish I could just shake it off and focus on living a shamelessly secure life. But I had this dream about a boy whose hand was broken and mine became broken when I encountered him, then you healed us together. Maybe that is part of what it means to say, “you will be my burden”—to take on the pain of others with them until you heal us both. That is part of my gift. Of compassion. I cannot ignore those hurting like that, because my hand gets all twisted too.

But God, You are ALL POWERFUL. And I have the feeling you are going to take everything from me. I have to be humbly and completely dependant on your power if I want to experience anything real at all. You’ve got this God—It’s all on you.

God, but why choose me? What the heck do I even have to offer? I feel like Moses. Here you are saying, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people… I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them… So now, go. I am sending you to bring my people out.” And I, like Moses, say to you-

“Who am I, that I should go to bring your people out?” And you, you look at me in unmerritted love and say, “You’re no one, child. That’s why you need me. And I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: You will worship God on this mountain.” And it’s funny because that is saying I don’t even get to know how real this is until it’s all over. I have to step out in complete faith because the sign is dependent upon the action.

“Moses said to the LORD, ‘O LORD, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.’

The LORD said to Him, ‘Who gave men his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and teach you what to say.’”

[verse references from Exodus 3]

Don’t you think I know your short-comings? I made you, remember? But I am enough. Believe me, I am enough. If you don’t believe you can do it, you are right. If you don’t believe that I can do it, you are wrong. You are absolutely wrong. But I can’t prove you wrong until you go. And then we will dance and sing on this mountain together because I have freed the slaves and given sight to the blind and healed the twisted hands.

God, it takes so much to trust and an awful lot of action. But I’m so willing. The things I want to keep—like being able to be with my family or having a family of my own—those things are yours. I hate them in comparison to you. I want to continue to be open to you speaking to me. Speak life. Change my heart. I’m not dead. I’m so alive.

And after that conversation with God, I was willing. I ended up going with Adventures in Missions instead because the trip they offered was focused on just one location and I would be working with a team my age. God has not stopped preparing me, and it is still just as hard to trust Him enough to step out in faith, but I know for sure this is what He wants.

Doing What we Can

I did not end up going to India that coming summer on the trip that I applied to, mostly due to the fact that my best friend Chrissy as well as my older sister Sarah had both asked me to be the maid of honor in each of their respective weddings. Being a part of those celebrations was definitely not something I wanted to miss out on. I was not sure when or how, but I was confident I would wind up at least visiting India someday.

One day after a class I was taking at a community college I got a text-message from my childhood friend and soon-to-be roommate Alison Johnson. We had not talked extensively in quite some time so without knowing even knowing the place I was at in life, she asked me if I wanted to be a part of a student organization on Grand Valley’s campus the coming year that she and another friend were starting. What was it all about? Alison had volunteered during the summer at an organization called Women At Risk International that serves to rescue and rehabilitate mainly women who have been trafficked into forced labor situations. She was inspired to start this group to shine light into dark places by spreading awareness of human trafficking to other college students and bring hope to the oppressed. The name of the organization was ‘traffic light.’ I was so excited to be a part of this that I called her back immediately.

Alison and I at our table promoting 'traffic light'

Being a part of traffic light has been challenging in more ways than one. It has been difficult to keep up with administrative stuff (which I find I am definitely not gifted in.) Also, being a part of it doesn’t allow me to take my eyes away and simply ignore the injustice being done to human beings all over the world. Like Gary Haugen points out in his book Good News About Injustice, our minds very easily work like that of infants who have not yet developed object permanence when it comes to maintaining an interest in the reality of injustice in the world. If it is out of sight, it is out of mind. From all the conferences and events attended, all the research I’ve done of the topic, and all the personal stories I have heard, it isn’t something that feels far away and unreal anymore. Sometimes it is so near that I can almost actually hear the voices of those oppressed crying out.

Something I have to be really careful if is being overcome by despair. If I don’t come at it with the hope of Christ, I am overwhelmed and discouraged to the point of immobilization. I have to constantly remember that He holds the universe, that everything can be redeemed, and though this whole world is groaning, we were made to be healed for His glory. I have been working on developing what Gary Haugen deemed compassion permanence, or “conviction of the things unseen.” It is not unlike the plea of Hebrews 13:3 to “continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.”  It is burdensome to continually open my eyes to the hurting world, but no matter how big the burden, the hope of the joy and deliverance that Christ brings is much stronger. The key to the balance is to ask to see the world as God sees it, through His eyes.

I have been asked more than once what the point of trying is. “This is the world’s oldest profession. Do you really think you will be able to stop it?” I think it is exactly this kind of attitude that allows us to sit back and do nothing. One of the most encouraging words I have heard this year so far was from a trafficking victim named James Kofi Annan who was abducted, tricked, and sold into the fishing industry in a remote part of Ghana. He suffered physical and sexual abuse with trauma that still affects him. He was starved, beaten, raped, dragged, whipped, and forced to work from daybreak until dusk no matter what. But through it all, he managed to escape the cycle. He started an organization rescuing one child at a time that offers them education and an alternative life. One student attending the conference he spoke at stood up at the end and posed a question. She said it has been tried so many times to eradicate slavery and yet it still exists. “Do you really think we could end it for good?” His answer was strong. “Absolutely. We just need enough people to know it is possible.” To hear such a positive outlook from someone who had personally experienced slavery himself motivates me in times when my outlook is bleak. 

You can read his blog here, if you want:

http://ftsblog.net/tag/james-kofi-annan/

It’s not about what we can’t do. It’s about doing what we can.

Finally Given Up

My school year at Philadelphia Biblical University was marvelous. I was part of an extremely unique program in which we studied the Bible from Genesis to Revelation with an emphasis on Jewish culture and customs as well as the background of the Nation and land of Israel. It totally changed the way I read the word of God. I see it with a much bigger picture about God’s story of redemption for the world in mind. I could get way more into that, but it is not really the purpose of this blog.

Before I went home for Christmas break, 2009, I was faced again with the question of what I was going to do next. Should I stay at PBU? I loved it there. I went through a decision making process where I just researched all sorts of possibilities of where to go next and then asked God to lay on my heart the ones he wanted me to pursue. I ended up researching a trip to India, and talking to a few people about Grand Valley State University.

In order to save myself some time, I’m just going to insert another journal entry from around this time here that I wrote after riding home with my friend and roommate Anna. I spent some time with her family and then wrote this:

Tonight we went to visit the Davidhizer’s family dentist because he had been talking with Anna’s mom about his recent trip to an Indian brothel to work on prostitutes’ teeth. This was a little bit “coincidental” because I had just been praying about my future a few days ago at the Soak in the LORD worship night at school and God had brought up India AGAIN. He laid it heavy on my heart, too much to ignore it. When I was looking up stuff to do this Summer and somehow ran into all of this information about India I asked God to do what He had done with PBU and just not let it leave me if it was what He wanted. I don’t want this to come from some crazy idea of my own or some off-the-wall desire for adventure and excitement. To put it plainly, it hasn’t left me yet although I am not certain on how this whole thing is going to work out yet.

It is wicked sweet how God used this man to push me a little bit in the right direction. It is mind-blowing how God works. I am seeing how very much I am just a part of the whole and tonight I got a small glimpse at how even the most seemingly insignificant circumstances lead to something far bigger than we can imagine. I didn’t know that the Davidhizer’s were going to visit this man tonight. They didn’t have a clue that I wanted to go to India. I wouldn’t have even known Anna if it weren’t for Jeremy’s car breaking down that one time. I almost didn’t come with Anna to her house. I could have asked her to drop me off at home. But I didn’t—and tonight was enlightening in a lot of ways.

So I was entirely encouraged by this man’s sense of my heart to go to India someday. He really wanted me to share my reasons for desiring to go and he seemed pretty confident that God will open and close the right doors for me. It was just a really neat night because so much of what he said made so much sense to me. It was like a stream of continual confirmations and reminders of things that God has been teaching me. Like about how to be brave. If God asks us to do something, we better be obedient and though He is not safe, He is good. Even while reading the Irresistible Revolution, the chapter I read was on not being safe. I know this kind of life is going to lead me into danger. The whole time he was talking and telling stories of the incredible ways that God is moving in the red-light district of the city he was in, I couldn’t help but think that I must go. I absolutely cannot live here with all that I have been given and see how much need there is in the world and be okay with that. God has entirely ruined my life. There is no way that I could live a “normal” life now. He is disturbing me and disrupting me to the very core.

Something came to me that was a little bit new—not just a reminder or confirmation. I have come to the conclusion that I want some sort of venue to be in a different country before I just go over there and try to share the gospel. Also, I want to be of some practical use. I want to be able to help people in real ways with physical needs as well as show them the truth spiritually. Mike (the guy who went to India) suggested I consider becoming an ESL teacher. I hadn’t given that much thought, but I will pray about this as well.  

I think for so long I have settled for a shallow Christianity. I have encountered so many Christians (and myself have been included in on this) that think we can be content with just adding God to our lives. I am realizing that being a saint means much more than that. He becomes our whole life. A relationship with God is way more exciting if we just give up our own ideas on how to live and let Him move. We must stop trying to fit God into our lives, because He will not be handled. It is He who must do the handling, and when He does, He screws up everything we thought we had planned. I will not settle any longer for a shallow existence, but allow Christ to take me deeper and deeper still. It is a very exciting adventure, and so important I would die for it. For what is dying but to really live?

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

 Philippians 1:21

Open Eyes

I began attending meetings for the International Justice Mission (IJM) chapter on campus at the beginning of the year at Spring Arbor because of my interest in helping those who cannot help themselves. It was here that I started learning about all sorts of social justice issues going on in the world. Injustice angered me to the point of tears, but most of the time I found myself ignoring it because I don't like to cry, and I didn't see what I could possibly do. I had switched my major to sociology after I rejected the teaching idea, and in my soc. 101 class I did a project about human trafficking that forced my eyes open.

An excerpt from this paper:

            Human Trafficking is defined by article 3 of the United Nations as “The recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring or receipt of persons… to achieve the consent of a person having control over another person, for the purpose of exploitation” (Ray, 2007, p. 72). Generally described, human trafficking is the movement of people from one location to another so that they can perform forced labor (Macionis, 2009). Because human trafficking is illegal almost universally, most cases of it are underground and it is difficult to be sure of how commonly it truly occurs (Hagen, et al. 2007). Even so, it has been guessed from around 700,000 to as many as four million people are trafficked across international borders each year (Aguilar-Millan, et al. 2008). Furthermore, it is estimated that 80 percent of all trafficked victims are women (Yen, 2008) and about one fourth of these women are trafficked for the purpose of sexual exploitation and forced prostitution (Alexander, 2008).

 I can't describe to you well enough what researching this topic did to me. There were nights that I would spend pounding the ground and weeping—about people I have never met and an issue I had never encountered. My heart, in fact, broke about it.

I began to think about how if I was feeling this way, how much more God’s heart must be hurting. I didn’t even know these women, but He had created them Himself. It was the personal stories of people that really got to me. I spent time trying to picture myself in the situations they were in, and I couldn’t. I had never experienced anything remotely like what they had been through. All I could think was, “Why? What makes me so lucky?” And that’s when I first began to feel the weight of a burden of responsibility—because here I am with so many resources and in great health like a quivering bundle of potential. What am I going to do with that?

What I can, probably.

Ok... What now?

Spring Arbor University.
I think I picked it because I got sick of trying to think about the big college decision. It was easiest, cheapest, most familiar... They have a decent education program and at the time I thought I wanted to be an elementary school teacher.
First few weeks of college were awesome. Orientation felt like summer camp. It didn't feel real. Then about week four, it sunk in that I was kind of in this for the long haul. We had to do this thing for our freshman class (that all freshmen are required to take) where we had to do a four year plan. Basically, that meant figuring out all of the classes and credits and certification and whatnot that would be required of me during college. After hours of frustration, going to my older sister for help, major confusion and not just a few shed tears, my four year plan turned into a five year plan and I may have had a little bit of a mental breakdown. 
It was overwhelming to look at it all it once, and it made me feel very trapped and stuck. If I chose this, I couldn't get out. I would have to teach. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. What was I thinking? I didn't want to be a teacher. I don't even like school! I think the system is horrible. Why would I want to be a part of it? All of my reasons for wanting to be a teacher really had more to do with me wanting to impact children's lives positively. And couldn't I do that without going through all of the junk you have to do to become a teacher? I thought that maybe if I wanted to commit to that it should feel a little more worth it to me.
As the year went on, it just got worse. It felt as if God was sucking things from underneath me, things that I used to stand on and rely on such as the solid group of friends I had at home that I had not yet found at SAU. I no longer had any idea of what I wanted to do in the future, creating a vacancy where I used to have a sense of sense of purpose. It felt like I was floating around in mid-air. I felt like I was all alone. Because of all this, I was fiercely driven to my knees. In some of my most despairing moments I felt the presence of God like I had never in my life known it. And His love was something real, burning inside of me. It was not something I just believed in, it was something I was actually experiencing.
The words of a Rich Mullins song come to mind as I try to describe this.
"Everything that could be shaken was shaken
and all that remains is all I ever really had."
Around Christmas Break I had been thinking a lot about the idea of taking a year or so off to just straight-up study the Bible. I had been taking Bible classes pretty much my whole life, but I wanted to immerse myself in the study of God's word. I figured since I didn't know what to do with my life anyway, I couldn't go wrong here.
And then I took Gospels and Acts during J-term. I experienced a little taste of what it was like to study just the Bible and no other subjects. That class was INTENSE. I do not say that lightly. I was in class 3 hours every morning, only to go straight to the library after lunch and spend an average of 9 hours working on homework. By the second week of class, I was breaking down and crying at least once a day. Mind you, it was awesome to be spending so much time thinking and learning about the life of Christ, but it was also very convicting and so challenging and so exhausting! It is probably impossible to be spending that much time in the Word with a genuine desire to know God better and not be changed by it.
Through that class I found out how extreme Jesus was. If we don't hate everything by comparison to how much we love Him, how can we follow Him? To whom much has been given, much is required. And what good is it if you gain the whole world, yet forfeit your soul? Again, I am going to speak in song (Jon Foreman this time)
"The Kingdom of the heavens is now advancing
let your kingdom come in my world and in my life;
The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure;
would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?"
I think that when you think about giving up your whole life to follow Jesus, it seems easy. But when it comes down to it, and He really might just be asking you to give up every other idea you have ever had for yourself and your life, it is a lot harder to trust Him. In all honesty, I didn't want to do it.  I remember praying, "God, I don't want to go somewhere else. I have had a hard enough time getting established here. I just want to be happy." I still had a whole list of things I was pursuing that I would have to abandon if I were to be really willing to follow God to any extreme.
Soon after j-term my sister gave me this book by Elizabeth Elliot about Amy Carmichael's life. At the front of the book it had this quote by this, the woman I had deemed my missionary hero,
"'Hereby perceive we the love of God, because He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.' How often I think of that ought. No sugary sentiment there. Just the stern, glorious trumpet call, OUGHT. But can words tell the joy buried deep within? Mine cannot. It laughs at words."
Um, that last sentence was enough for me. Something broke, and I understood that I was trying to control my own contentment by pursuing my idea of security in happiness instead of embracing the joy that comes with reckless abandonment. So I gave up a little.
"Wouldn't we be happy if we could find the full treasure described in the gospel? Nothing else would matter. It is infinite; the more we explore it, the more riches we will find. May we never stop searching until we have found all of it!"
-Brother Lawrence
So Bible school it was. I mean, why not? It got a little annoying when people heard about what I was planning on doing and asked questions like, "So what are you going to DO with that?" I would be like, "Uh, I don't know. Know God more so I can love God more so I can love people more?" I was finally getting it, that life isn't so much about what you do, but about who you are. And I wanted to be Christ's, through and through.  So I went! It was a little scary, stepping out in faith like that. But totally worth it.
What after that?
I don't think I was that concerned, because I knew how much God brutally loves me.
"Two things you told me
that you are strong,
and you love me.
Your love is strong."